Q&A: Dating Younger Men

Last time on Q&A, we talked about lecherous old men and how they will pay young women to do terrible things like write friendly e-mails for money in this country. Today let's turn the tables a bit and look at a self-help guide for Japanese women hoping to make it with a younger guy.

How to Skillfully Date a Younger Guy

1. Don't Hurt His Pride

Guys are prideful things, huh? And for a couple with an older woman, it seems like the woman is always taking the lead.

But at the same time, she'll accidentally say things like "I can't count on you," or "It's not like you'll be able to anyway, so just let me handle it" without thinking about it.

Especially in front of other people, be absolutely sure not to take an attitude that makes him feel unappreciated. If you look down on him, you'll deeply wound his pride.

2. Don't Overdo Anything

Younger boyfriends are cute because there's something helpless and uncertain about them. If he's troubled by something, most of us just want to give him a hand and help him out, right?

At first, he might smile, and you'll feel happy for making him feel that way. But if you continue helping him at every problem, he'll start to take it for granted that you'll do everything for him.

Then rather than being a couple, you'll be like his mom. No matter how overjoyed you were to be taking care of him at first, you'll find yourself dissatisfied and saying things like, "I'm not your mother! And I'm not your maid!"

This isn't a good relationship to be in. So, to make sure it doesn't happen, you need to be careful about lending him a hand or taking care of things for him too often.

3. Get Good at Depending on Him

In a couple with an older woman and a younger man, the woman always seems to be the stronger one in the relationship. And among those couples there are some where the woman is clumsy about finding ways for herself to depend on the man.

Guys like to be relied upon! They want you to let them take care of things! When they spend time with a woman that lets them do those things, they think you're cute and want to protect you.

So even if in daily life you're taking the lead in your relationship, you need to let yourself be coddled.

Conclusion

Not only for couples with an age difference but for all couples it's important to think about each other's wants and feelings. We all want to be in relationships that make both people feel good, right?

...
......

So there you have it: The #2 Google ranking and one-stop-font-of-knowledge for "How to Date Younger Guys" in Japanese. If you haven't encountered the Japanese in Point 3 before, this might be a good chance to take note of it:

The Japanese verb 甘える (amaeru), loosely meaning "to express dependence on another," is a cultural phenomenon discussed extensively by Japanese psychoanalyst Takeo Doi in his book The Anatomy of Dependence (甘えの構造). Among Doi's insights in the book is the idea that Japanese are born into then aspire to an ideal state in which they are indulgent in the goodwill of all those around them. Doi suggests that the Japanese language reflects this ideal with its customary use of keigo and teineigo used to address both infants and people in position of high social status, from grandparents to company executives.

Whether you think Doi has some good points or dismiss it as a bunch of bunk, 甘える remains a well-known and well-used word and concept in Japan that can be difficult to express concisely in English.

Have any thoughts about it? Screams of rage about the slanted views on older women babying oedipal boyfriends only to later scold them for acting like an actual child? As usual, we welcome you to share in the comments below. :)

Living as a Couple in Japan

Just a quick entry to draw your attention to something you may not have considered:

Whether your partner is Japanese or gaijin, you might come across some problems living together prior to marriage in some rural areas of Japan.

When I moved here with my fellow English-jin woman we were told to lie to the Board of Education about our marital status. "Say you're engaged" said our boss. And that's no small deal. In Japan that's basically unofficial marriage. Japanese women are not interested in a long engagement.

We did what she advised because she said we may not be able to live together if we didn't. It was very strange 9 months later when we actually did get engaged and had to keep it a secret from the BoE. They did find out though, and just looked a bit confused. It's possible our (now fired) boss was just a bit batty.

Nevertheless, living together is a big deal here. A lot (a lot) of people don't leave home until they are married, and then move straight into the marital home (or husband's family-home). Not that anyone will consider you a proper person for a long time anyway, but beware of getting funny looks for your living situation.

Also, if you're living in kyoinjutaku (teacher's housing), some backwards countryside BoEs might not let you live together (as such) and give you two houses.

If you live in a big city, virtually none of this applies.

If you have any experience of this sort of thing, please let us know in the comments box below.

Contraception in Japan

The leading choice for contraception in Japan is condoms, the second most popular (almost 20%) being pulling out, followed by the rythm method. The pill languishes in last place with an audience of just over 2% of the female population (vs. 18% in the US, 25% in the UK and 52% in Germany, for example).

Not surprisingly, this leads to a fairly large number of abortions. 28% of the 300,000 or so women who underwent abortions last year claimed not being married as the primary reason.

Reportedly a large number of Japanese women don't consider contraception to be their responsibility, and are put-off by the price and stories of horrible side-effects. In fact, when the pill was introduced a survey showed that 70% of women would never consider trying it.

However, it's strange that a country so lax with protecting themselves during sex isn't flooded with children. Japan's aging population is a constant worry, and no amount of sex-standing-up contraception seems to be helping. Although the number of abortions sounds high, it's still less than half of those of the US or UK.

It's also true that an increased use of the pill is usually coupled with an increase in life-threatening STDs like HIV.

Anyway, this is starting to get too complex for AccessJ! Here are the rules on contraception in Japan:

• The Pill
  There are strict rules on bringing the pill into the country. It must be prescribed to you, and you're only allowed two months' supply. My girlfriend tried to bring more than that and had her parcel got stopped at customs waiting for her permission to destroy the contents. They wouldn't even send it back to England.
  You can get prescribed it here by an obstetrician and it costs about 3000yen per month, and you have to go back every three months for a check-up (not free).
  I recently found a great article about the types of Pill available in Japan.
• Depo-provera is not permitted.
  You can't bring it with you, and no-one will import it or inject you with it even with a prescription. However, there are similar shots available. Ask a gynecologist.
• Contraception patches
  There are several types of estrogen-only patches available (on insurance).
• Gels
  Several types containing both progestogen and estrogen.
• Condoms
  Japanese condoms are okay, but (it's not a joke) they will not always fit Western men comfortably. They may also come off more easily than what you're used to. There are several shops in the big cities that sell all sizes and shapes. Look for The Condom Store, Condomania or places like that.
• The morning-after pill
  Is very expensive (10,000yen and up) and not covered by health insurance, though I have heard of it going for only 3,000yen in Okinawa. It's referred to as the "aafutaa piru" and you need to see a gynecologist to get one. International clinics will also prescribe it to you if necessary.

Sources:

http://iussp2005.princeton.edu/download.aspx?submissionId=51736

http://search.japantimes.co.jp/cgi-bin/nn20091020i1.html

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/08/20/health/main637523.shtml

Any other methods or comments? Add them to the comments below.